Final part of Our Story is not quite done

The final part of Our Story is not ready yet.  My evenings are chuck full of Sound of Music rehearsals, and I didn't quite finish it last weekend.  I've been writing this thing for 2 months now, so I can't just slap it onto my blog and call it done.  My plan is to finish it this weekend and put it up next week, perhaps earlier than wednesday night, perhaps not. 

Wishful Wednesday

* I wish for my friends who are ill or in pain to be healed quickly!

* I wish I liked cleaning more, it would really help me out.

* I hope our trip to the beach goes smoothly tomorrow!

Your turn!  What are you wishing for today?

Ticked Off

I am ticked off.

Maybe more like, "seriously annoyed."

Remember back when I made a really awesome grocery list template for my Target store's grocery section.  I made it to speed up my list making and my shopping.  It worked great, and I was able to fly through when I was in a hurry and spend less on impulse buys.

Well, don't print it off or anything cuz it isn't any good anymore! 

Target had the audacity to rearrange my store!!!  making my list completely unusable!

So now I have to go back through the store with a pen and paper and re-write down what is in each isle, and fix my template.

Boo.

Our story of Grief and Joy - Part 8

If you haven't been following along, please get caught up here  before you continue reading.  Thanks!

*

*

*

*

Like I said last time, I'm going to fly through the next few months.

It was time for our big 20 week ultrasound.  When I was pregnant with Sweet Pea, I really wanted to know if she was a boy or a girl as soon as possible, but when we had our big ultrasound, she was... shy.  We couldn't get a good enough look down there to see anything, and by the time we had another ultrasound later on, we had decided not to find out.  With Babydoll, I wanted to know, but Spencer didn't.  He had no problem with me finding out, but I thought it would ruin the fun if I had that big of a secret and couldn't tell anyone!  Plus I didn't trust myself to not slip and spill the beans!  Either everyone was going to need to know, or none of us.  So we opted to wait and find out when the baby was born... when there would be no wondering for months if the technician was right or not. 

That's not to say I wasn't SOOOO tempted to peek!

June 14, 2006   20wks 6days

We had an ultrasound last week, baby is growing beautifully!  The ultrasound was so clear, it was amazing!  For a while Baby had it's arms up in sort of a boxing stance, and at one point it's arm was up and flexed!  It was so cute!  As far as movement goes this baby is very active, and a very strong kicker for such a tiny one!

   I have to step in here and say that that is exactly how she is now!  Her personality in the womb was very much like it is out in the world!

September 25, 2006   36 wks

Only 4 weeks to go!  The last 3 months have gone smoothly, which is probably why I haven't been writing.  The biggest thing is that for the past 3 weeks or so I've been having contractions throughout the day and night.  Most of them are in the afternoon and evening.  It's gotten really hard to get around, particularly getting up, and I'm getting uncomfortable.  I would be perfectly happy to have this baby soon!  I'm incredibly anxious and excited to see our baby!  I want to hug and kiss him or her so bad!  I'm a little nervous though about going into labor on my own - and knowing for sure that it's time to go in.  I also want to make sure that the baby isn't born too soon, so that it can come home with us.  I'll be taking 4 weeks off for maternity leave.

October 4, 2006  37wks 2days

The crib is ready to go and so am I!  Monday and Tuesday were pretty quiet as far as contractions go.  Sunday afternoon we all went to the apple orchard.  While we were driving out there and while we were there I was having contractions between 3-6 minutes apart for almost an hour and a half.  The only reason I didn't go in was they weren't getting progressively stronger.

At about the 38 week point, I suddenly was unable to sleep through the night.  I would wake up after a few hours of sleep, and then be wide awake for hours.  When it hurts to move around, and you know you're about to pull off one of the hardest physical challenges a person can go through, it really sucks to not be able to sleep!

October 13, 2006   38wks 4days

I woke up again last night, wide awake at midnight, but after a while of laying on the couch watching TV, I fell back asleep.  I woke up several times but was able to fall back asleep.  The night before, on the other hand, I was completely awake from 2-4:00, and up and down from then on.  May ankles hurt really bad right now, as do my legs.

I was getting desperate.  My OB was going to try to strip my membranes but was unable to reach them.  This most likely would have sent me into labor, so I was pretty bummed she couldn't do it.  I drank Raspberry tea, ate macaroni and cheese with A1 sauce (gross), exercised, did every idea I could find to try to go into labor.  At 39 weeks I woke up with groin and pelvic pain and a terrible back ache, I hoped it was labor - nope.  I took some tylanol and went back to bed and woke up in the morning feeling better. Better, but still pregnant.

October 18, 2006   39wks  2days

The last couple days I've been having a lot of Braxton Hix contractions but so far no real labor.  I have been able to sleep in my own bed all night for the past 2 nights though! Yay!  I still get up to go to the bathroom and wake up throughout the night, but I've been able to get back to sleep without too much trouble.  I wouldn't mind being up in the middle of the night if I was holding my baby!  I am very excited to meet our baby!!!

If you've been following along, you should probably click HERE for the final chapter of this story!

Wishful Wednesday

I got home from Sound of Music rehearsal at 11:00 last night, and went straight to bed, that's why this is late.

I hope I can get my dancing and blocking down for the play

I hope we all have our songs down pat pretty soon here!

I wish (once again) that sleep wasn't a requirement to function well

I wish it was just a tad less humid outside

Your turn!  What are you wishing and hoping for today?

Thank You Dad

Thank You Dad

Thank you for being a stay at home dad when we were little.

Thank you for teaching me how great it is for little kids to have a home to play in rather than a school.

Thank you taking me and Makenzie to the beach when you got home from work in the summer.

Thank you for tracking down those boys that were kicking me every day in Elem. school and giving them a piece of your mind (I can imagine you wanted to give them more than just a piece of your mind though!)

Thank you for teaching me how to fish, and not to be afraid of the slimy wiggly fish and worms.

Thank you for making us a home cooked meal every single night, I didn't realize how lucky I was at the time.

Thank you for offering to teach me how to cook before I left for college - even if I refused to learn then.

Thank you for answering my cooking calls when I finally needed to start cooking, even when they were questions you answered many times before, and without making me feel like an idiot for not knowing the answer!

Thank you for having your own band and holding rehearsals in our basement - live concerts in my own house!

Thank you for teaching me the importance of family and history, and for putting together our family tree.

Thank you for being an active parent in raising us.

Thank you for being a trusted rock that I could always count on!

I love you!!  Happy Father's Day!

Potluck and a Police Chase

Last sunday my aunt and uncle were hosting a family get-together.  There were about 20 of us that came to play yard games, eat a potluck lunch, watch the dogs and the kids play, and - as it turned out - witness the conclusion of a Minneapolis police chase!

Yep, you heard me right, our peaceful and fun family picnic was interrupted by crime.

We had just finished eating and were just hanging out in patio chairs and playing with the dogs.  Sweet Pea wasn't feeling great and was lying down inside, Spencer and I were sitting in patio chairs, and Babydoll and Little Man were playing in the grass in front of us. 

We heard sirens, but that's not all that uncommon, and then they got louder.  And then they got loud enough for us all to start looking behind us past the backyard to see if they were driving by. 

All of a sudden a white van came screaching around the corner into the alley behind my aunt's backyard!  The van hit the telephone pole as it jumped the curb to turn, and we thought for a second that it might crash right into her fence.  My first thought was, "oh exciting!  We'll watch the cops chase this van down the alley and wonder the rest of the day if the they got him!" 

But then the van sort of pulled into the neighbor's driveway nearly hitting another fence, and the squad car, sirens screaming, pulled right up behind it.  By this point the guy on the run had already gotten out of the van but I didn't see him yet because the moment that van stopped behind my aunt's house Spencer and I were up, grabbing the kids (except SP who was inside) and heading for the safe spot along the side of the garage.  We didn't know if the guy had a gun, if any shots were going to be fired or what was going to happen, and it all happened in a couple seconds! 

Right away the guy stopped running and the officer had him in handcuffs.  By this point there were two squad cars, with a third pulling in.

Once we were sure the coast was clear we came out of hiding with our kids.  Sweet Pea by this point was outside with us, she had heard all the commotion and came out to investigate.  We would have brought the kids inside but it all happened so fast! 

We watched the officer who caught the guy give him a breathalizer test, and pull a bag of drugs out of his pocket, and after a while put him in the back of the car. 

Say hello to the scumbag who was speeding like a maniac through a residential neighborhood!  He's the one you can't really see in the back of that squad car!

See how relaxed we were at this point? Well, my heart was still pounding, but for the most part we were feeling pretty safe now.  All the neighbors came out to investigate, including the nice older gentleman who lives next door to my aunt and uncle.  That's him leaning on the garbage can.  My uncle Paul is the one smiling and taking pictures on the left.

When the officer came over to us to get witness info from a couple of the guests, Babydoll took the opportunity to ask him some questions.  "Did you catch the bad guy?"  "Are you gonna take him to jail?"  The officer told her that yes, he was going straight to jail." Babydoll also told everyone that jail is like when you have to go to timeout! 

Apparently I have some ambulance chasers in the family, and they decided to go take a look at the perp's van!

That's the dent from when he hit the telephone pole.  That's my uncle Dave, and his mother-in-law Maxine.  She's about 4 ft 9in tall, and had to get out there and inspect the van, and from what I heard - kick the tires. 

When it was all over, the speeding maniac was hauled off to jail, the white van was towed away, and the cops eventually pulled out of there. 

And the kids were left with a story to tell, about how the cops caught the bad guy at Aunty Karen's house!

Our story of Grief and Joy - Part 7

If you haven't been following along, please get yourself caught up because you missed a lot!  Click here to find Part 1. 

*


*


*


In the last couple of weeks of my first trimester I was a tad on edge, just trying to hang on and hope and pray that this baby would continue to grow and develop and make it to the 12 week mark.  We had been feeling pretty confident that this baby would be fine after seeing it's heartbeat in the last two ultrasounds, but I was still not going to feel completely safe until we hit the 12 week mark.  I think we had started to announce our pregnancy after our 3rd ultrasound.  We had wanted to wait until we knew things were looking good, I didn't want to go through what we went through when we had our first miscarriage. 

Before our first miscarriage we had told lots of people, who had told people, that we were pregnant but the news of the loss didn't travel as far.  For several months we would get the occasional, "How's your pregnancy going?"  "How are you feeling?" or "How is the baby?"  followed by confused stare while I tried to figure out if they ment Sweet Pea and hadn't realized she's not at all a baby anymore or if they were referring to the one we lost and hadn't heard about it yet.  When I was faced with telling someone (that had never gone through a miscarriage) that we had lost the baby, I knew they wouldn't know what to say, I knew it would be awkward, I could imagine that they felt uncomfortable and helpless in not knowing what to say, and I never really figured out how to respond to them.  Usually they would say something along the lines of, "I'm so sorry" which is a completely appropriate response, but then what was I supposed to say? "It's ok" cuz it's certainly not!  Go into the whole story?  Nope, not enough time, not a strong enough emotional fortitude to tell the whole thing over and over again.  I usually went with something along the lines of, "Thanks, it was really rough but we're getting through it."  No response really seemed appropriate.

Anyway, back to the "present", sort of.  When I finally made it to the 12 week point we were so excited!  We knew there was still plenty of room for things to go wrong, but we felt pretty good about it all at this point!  

On to the good ol' journal entries...

April 18, 2006   12wks 5days
   I had my 2nd OB visit today and baby is still going strong!!  I heard the heartbeat with the doppler and it made me so happy to know we've made it this far and nothing is going to stop this baby now!  His or her heartbeat was in the 150's, wonder if it is a boy or a girl.  [Sweet Pea] has been really cute about that since we told her we were having another baby - she REALLY wants a sister!  When Mary (my mother-in-law) asked her a couple weeks ago, "What if it's a boy?"  Sweet Pea said, "Then you can keep it."  Tonight at bedtime she brought me a little girl baby doll and said as she handed it to me, "A baby girl instead of a baby boy."  How cute!  I asked what it was for and she said, "To snuggle with in bed when you're sleeping."  Could she be trying to convince me to have a girl?  :o)

Finally the pregnancy we've all been waiting for!  This is indeed my pregnancy with Izzy! (blog nickname also Babydoll)

May 9, 2006   15wks 5days
   Things are still going well.  I'm still throwing up from time to time, but at least it's not 3 times a day anymore.  My belly is definately out there now!  I pretty much just wear sweatpants and my stretchy black maternity pants because my maternity jeans and khakis are too tight in the legs now.  Sometime soon I need to go get some new mat. clothes. 
   So I have a pretty bad cold now, and it's made me extra tired.  The most exciting thing is that I could start feeling movement as early as 16 weeks, which is only 2 days away!  With [Sweet Pea] it was more like 20 weeks before I felt her kick, but with 2nd + pregnancies you can start feeling movement between 16-18 weeks.... I can't wait!

May 24, 2006    17wks 6days
   I started feeling the baby move two days ago!  It sort of feels like tiny little bumps.  Feeling the movement is definately my favorite part of pregnancy!  I still have this cold, and when I cough sometimes I throw up.  Once in a while (usually in the AM) I throw up without even coughing.  So far I've gained between 3-5 lbs (probably would have been more had I not lost so much weight in the first tri and had been able to keep food down!).  At my OB appt last week the heartbeat was still in the 150's.

My pregnancies with Sweet Pea and Babydoll, well all of them really up until my very last one, were pretty horrible.  They were filled with all sorts of miseries, but the one part that I never got sick of was feeling them move!  It is an amazing feeling.  When you can't see this baby that you love, but you can feel them moving - and when they get big enough see them moving too - it just gave me such a feeling of connectedness, like I could hold it in my arms if it weren't for that layer of skin, muscle, and uteran wall.  After having 3 children, I can still feel baby bumps, the memories have become so vivid that I can almost feel them again. 

Coming up I'll skip some stuff, breeze through months, so I can get to the birth, finding out if it was a boy or girl, and the very unexpected feelings that came up after she was born.  I'm really curious to find out if anyone else experienced those same feelings because they shocked me!

Click HERE for part 8.

Wishful Wednesday

~ I wish to win the lottery, preferrably one of the big ones!

~ I wish sleep wasn't required to function well.

~ I hope I can memorize my Latin lyrics for the play quickly. (I've decided that "I hope" is indeed appropriate for wishful wednesdayÜ )

Your turn!  What are you wishing for?

The Death of a Pet

I think one of the hardest parts about childhood is when a pet dies.  When my husband, Spencer, turned 13 years old he got a Springer/Basset Hound puppy.  After an argument with his mom regarding what is an "ok" name for a dog, (he wanted Wadlo and his mom told him he should give him a real name like Spot.  Spence threw a brief hissy fit (from what I can imagine of him at 13) and said that, "Fine, I'll name him Spot."  Spot was Spencer's dog but the greatest bond was between Spot and Spencer's dad.  When it came time for Spence to move out, Spot stayed with them.

Over the years Spot became a regular at the Burger King drive-through, Super America, and anywhere else he could convince people to give him some yummy people food.  He survived climbing up a tree, eating rat poison, eating way more chocolate than it would take to take out a normal  dog, and managed to not be murdered or given away when he would eat several dozen Christmas cookies every year that my mother-in-law made to give away as gifts to local businesses.  This dog dodged a lot of bullets.  This spring Spot turned 16 years old, which for a large breed dog, is very very old.

Over the past few months Spot has been in a lot of pain, but the pain had been manageable with medication, and Spot carried on with his life with only the difficulties of being slow, sleepy, and with some degree of blindness/deafness.  This past weekend, however, he took a turn for the worse and had been having a harder time.  This afternoon he past away.

We had been preparing Sweet Pea for this day for a while, the last time a family pet died she took it very hard, sobbing everytime she saw a dog of that breed, and sobbing anytime she thought of this dog.  So we had been talking to her about how old Spot was getting, how he's in pain, and that pretty soon it would be his time to die.

Just last week she told me that, "Pretty soon Spot is going to celebrate his last day alive, and then it will be his time to go."  Little did I know at the time just how accurate those words were.  When Spot died today, she was over at my in-law's (they live down the street) and was told, but didn't see his body.  I wasn't there to see how she took the news, but she seemed very ok about it when she came home an hour later.  Preparing her for this day had helped a lot.

Then I had to tell Babydoll.  After talking about how Spot is very very old, and very very sick, and how when people get old and sick we have medicine that can make us better, but dogs can't have that kind of medicine (I just didn't want her to worry when she hears about relatives getting old or sick with a cold that they are just going to die).  I told her that Spot died today, and his soul has gone to live in heaven with Chloe (the other family pet that she remembers dying).  She was ok with that, she wasn't terribly upset, and she wants to see where he's buried.  I think it helped telling her that Spot was in heaven running around with Chloe now and he feels better there.

The only thing is that, while I like the idea of our pets going to heaven, I don't really know if they do.  Now if that's the case, then I just lied to my children about what happens to our beloved pets when they died, and will need to discuss it further when they are older and more capable of coping with such a loss, but until then it makes us all feel better to imagine Spot, and all our past beloved pets, running around among our deceased loved ones.

My question to you, if you have kids and have been in this situation, what did you tell your kids?  If you do not have kids but remember when you were a child and lost a pet, what did your parents tell you?  What do you believe happens to our pets when they die?

Kindness Chart - It's a Beautiful Thing

My preferred method of discipline is to begin with clear and realistic rule, and positive reenforcement.  When the kids make a mistake I remind them of the rules and consequences, and if they continue the behavior they receive a time-out.  The reminder/warning part is skipped if a child does something to intentionally hurt someone, I don't want them to learn that they can get away with hurting someone if they only do it once!

I have used several different methods of positive reenforcement and behavior charts over the years.  Over time the kids get bored with the system, and so do I, so I have to change things up!  I have a pretty great group of kids right now, they don't have problems with aggresion, but sometimes they have days where they could be a bit kinder.  So this is what we did last Friday...

First I sat down with all of the kids, a blank piece of paper, and a marker, and I asked them, "What is kindness?  What does it mean to be kind?"  And this is the list they gave me all on their own:

In case it's hard to read, it says:

~ Helping others who are having trouble

~ Don't tattle

~ Reading to a friend

~ Including others

~ Thinking of others' feelings

~ Say nice things

~ Be a nice friend

~ Do what the grown-up tells you to do (we talked about which grown ups that ment, not just any grown up)

~ No arguing - talk about differences calmly

~ Respect eachother

~ Take care of eachother

Nice list huh?  I thought they had some great ideas!  A great list, but that wasn't going to be enough, they need somethign to motivate them to find ways to be kind to eachother.  I told them that when I catch them doing something kind, I'll put a star point on the chart.

The name of my daycare is Caring Heart Child Care

Next I told them that when they get 100 points they will earn a Pizza Party, complete with pizza (of course) popcorn, pop, and a movie!

What happened next was a beautiful thing, one of the older girls started reading a book to one of the little kids, and two others started picking up toys and asking me what they could help me with! 

They earned those first 6 stars in the first hour of having the chart on the wall!

I had been a bit worried about how the day would go since it was the first day of summer vacation and it was raining almost the whole day, but Friday ended up being one of the most peacefull, happiest, kindest days we've had!

Let's hope the kindness chart keeps working because I want more days like that!

Forgive them kitty, they know not what they do

Look what happens when you combine a couple of 7-year-old girls, dress up stuff, and a lazy cat.

And he makes his escape

Come to Mommy, Milo, you'll be safe with me.

Our story of Grief and Joy - Part 6

If you haven't been following along on this part of my blog, before you read this post, get yourself caught up here.  Thank you.

*

*

*

*

So in the last post I told you about my amazing hormone levels!  hcg levels are supposed to at least double in 48 hours, and my last check had almost quadrupled!  Our first thought was relief to finally get some good numbers, then it was, "since my hormone levels went up so high, does that mean we have twins?", and then it was worry because I had been spotting again since before I even found out I was pregnant. 

I felt like I was drowning in emotions, confusion, hope, fear, wonder, and trying to take it one day at a time.

One thing that I bet anyone who has lost a baby before, and then been pregnant again, would tell you is that paranoia sets in big time!  Every cramp, kink, spot of blood, sends you calling your doctor for blood tests/ultrasounds.  Even when things appear to be going fine, you still get paranoid and beg for medical reassurance, and if you have an understanding doctor, you get tests done! 

February 21, 2006    

  I'm still so scared that I'll lose this baby so I asked to go in today for more hcg levels.  It's only been 3 days since my last one but the hormone has continued to more than double!  They went from 234 to 842 which is about tripling and a half, plus some, in the time it needed to take to double. 

Do I dare get excited for this yet?

I feel pregnant this time around.  This morning I felt a little queasy (not bad though), my boobs feel uncomfortable, and I have mood swings.  Everyone is speculating twins since my hcg went so high, but I wont be so sure till we can count them on the ultrasound.  So technically my due date is October 23rd but I'm expecting to measure at least 3 days later than that since I got my ovidrel shot on day 17 instead of the "normal" day 14.

We had our first ultrasound for this pregnancy when I was 5 weeks 5 days pregnant.  I was scared to death, I think Spencer was mainly just ready to start counting embryos!  I was trying to brace myself for the possibility of either seeing an empty uterus, or seeing something like 4 embryos!  I knew there was a chance that taking that Ovidrel shot would cause my ovaries to release more than one egg, and those skyrocketing numbers made it seem even more possible. I always thought twins would be fun, triplets would be really really busy but I thought we could handle it, and quads or more would just make me pass out.  I'd be done.  4 babies at once, 24/7?  I'd be praying to grow some more arms and a stronger back!

That ultrasound was a glorious sight to behold! 

What you see here is called, by some, "the diamond ring".  And you can see why.  The large yolk sac and the tiny embryo look like a diamond ring.  This made our ultrasound lady very happy:o) which meant that Spencer and I were very happy!  I had trouble scanning this photo so I started looking on google images to find an example but was unable to find a "diamond ring" ultrasound picture so perfect as this one! 

There was one baby, and it was growing at the right pace, and my doctor assured me that the progesterone hormones I was taking can cause women to bleed/spot until they stop taking them at the end of the first trimester... RELIEF!

After this ultrasound was done I had 2 more done before I even hit the 10 week mark (remember... paranoia!) to make sure its heart started beating and continued to grow correctly.

One last journal entry for this post, we jump ahead to the 10 week mark!  Yay! The 10 week mark!!

March 30, 2006    10 weeks pg

  Wow, I've made it SO FAR now!  I'm almost to the "safe" point now.  I've had 3 ultrasounds and all measured right, and the last two had a beating heart (152 and 161 bpm)!!!

  I've been a little sleepy and very sick since 5.5 weeks.  I haven't been able to eat for almost 5 weeks now and I've lost 5.5 lbs.  I've tried anti-nausea meds but they haven't worked.  Sucking on slices of lemon, and ice cubes.  That's about all that sounds good now.  I choke down food and try to keep it down as much as possible, but I feel like this baby isn't getting any food.  I hope my prenatal vitamins and vitamin stores will compensate for now.

  Baby's got 7 months to go.  The new due date is Oct. 26.

  It's been hard juggling family, work, school, and a nauseous pregnancy, but I think being so busy will make it go fast!

If I haven't scared you away yet, click here for my second OB visit and what was going on at the 12.5 week point.

Wishful Wednesday

~ I wish could do it all with strength and grace

~ I wish I had all the answers

~ I wish my husband and I were better at home repairs

Your turn!  What are you wishing for this week?

Anniversary means no blogging last night, sorry peeps!

Yesterday was Spencer's and my wedding anniversary, so when I got home from play rehearsal at 10:00 instead of blogging (it's a pet peave of his for me to be messing around on the computer when we're trying to watch something together) we watched disk 2 (came in the mail from netflix) of United States of Tara.  2 hours later it was time for bed because I was falling asleep on the couch.

Today I'm sleepy and it's raining, and I don't have time to blog during the day, so it'll have to wait until tonight.

That is if I can get it done tonight!

I have rehearsal until probably 10:00 again, so I hope I have the brain power to get it done!!

The Most Effective Bribe

My kids do not like to clean.  They are weird that way.  They probably get it from their weird mom and dad!

Struggling with them to get cleaning done is not fun, no fun at all!  I'm always looking for a motivator to get them to clean, but I don't want to bribe them with food, as I don't want to create food issues with them. 

That's not to say that bribing with food wouldn't work, it certainly would!  I just try to find other things that are better for them.  Like playdates!

Sweet Pea wanted to have her friend over to play, but the house was a mess of toys and junk, and the girls' room was once again pretty bad.  I told her she couldn't bring a friend over here when the house looks like this, but if she and Babydoll cleaned their room and helped clean the house, then she could call her friend over.

IT WORKED!  Both girls got to work on their room, and let me tell you, they've never cleaned it so quickly and so well in their lives!  They even made the beds!

After their room was adequately clean, they helped clean the rest of the main level.  They put toys away, folded some laundrey, swept (kinda) the floor, and then I mopped.  All without a single complaint.

Not a single complaint guys!  (enter chorus of angels)

After everything was picked up she called her friend and a few hours later they are enjoying the fruits of their labor. :o)

There are still some things to pick up, and dusting hasn't been done yet, and I'll need to vaccuum again by the end of the day, but all in all it was a pretty successful bribe!

Epic Blogging Fail

Today I failed as a blogger. 

I took the kids to go do something fun and educational, and didn't bring my camera. 

Therefor I could take no pictures of the kids while they explored the garden center at Lowes, smelled nearly every plant, played in touched every water fountain, pounded on several bags of mulch, and learned about different plants.

And if that epic blogging fail doesn't convince you that I failed today, this will.

When the kids woke up from their naps we went outside to plant our tomato plant, spinich plant (we have green beans to plant yet), I didn't even think to bring my camera out and take pictures of them!! 

What's that?  You ask if I at least took pictures of the plants after being planted?

Heck No!  That would have been a mild blogging success!

My one saving grace is that even though I'm dead tired, still have actual work to do tonight because Spence and I watched Blind Side for the last 2 hours and 6 minutes (Great movie!) I am probably going to manage to get this post up before midnight! 

That's all, goodnight, see you next week!... I hope!

Our story of Grief and Joy - Part 5

If you haven't been following along, please start from the beginning.  Click here to start with Part 1.

*

*

*

*

So I was waiting and waiting for blood test results that would tell me if our fourth baby was making it.  My last hcg test hadn't gone very well, but wasn't terrible either, and since the spotting had stopped I felt like things were looking up.  We had already lost 2 babies, (and yes, we consider them babies right from the get go) and we couldn't possibly lose 3 babies!  We already had a child, so we knew it was possible.  Third time's the charm right?  We prayed to God, we bargained with God, we begged God to let this baby be ok and go to term.  We were doing everything we could think of to keep this little one going!

Eight days after my last hcg test was taken, what we thought was impossible happened.  We suffered our third miscarriage.  Baby number 4 was gone. 

October 18, 2005   tuesday

We lost this baby.  I began miscarrying yesterday, october 17.  My second round of hcg's were october 7 and 9 at 6 weeks 1 day and 6 weeks 3 days.  Those numbers were 2345 - 3024.  They only went up 28%.  Then on October 11 I had an ultrasound which showed me measuring at least 2 weeks too small.  If I take off the week that I didn't ovulate on time, that's still at least a week small.  Those two things convinced us that this wasn't going to end well.  Spencer hung on to hope that this would be a miracle baby, I tried to catch that hope, but I knew in my heart the baby was already gone.  This continues to be a very painful journey for us.  I don't know what the next step in testing and plans the doctor has in store for us, but neither one of us is ready to quit trying. 

I would be 7 weeks 4 days along yesterday.

I felt so defeated.  I felt empty.  I felt like nothing was possible.  I felt like I'd never give birth to another child again.  I felt like a broken woman, unable to keep a child alive in my womb.  The female body is supposed to be able to carry a child until it is ready to be delivered, yet mine had failed three times!  In a row! 

What the hell?  We had prayed and prayed and trusted God that He would keep this baby alive, all for what?  More blood and tissue in a toilet.  A baby that would never grow to wiggle, kick, squish my bladder, or take a breath.  These were the times when I would question my beliefs.  I believed that God has a plan, and that perhaps these babies weren't in that plan.  But then why let me get pregnant in the first place?  Was this payback for something that Spencer or I had done?  Had we not had enough faith?  I thought I had trusted Him to give us this baby, but had I really trusted Him?    I still don't have the answers to all of those questions, but have resigned myself to not knowing until the day I walk through those pearly gates.

Had these babies died so that someone else could be born?  Perhaps.  But it still sucks.  And you can bet I'll have these questions ready when I die and can finally, hopefully, get some answers.

My OB referred us to The Center for Reproductive Medicine for testing and help with our next pregnancy.  When I told a daycare parent about this referral she told me that she had gone there as well, and that the doctor I was seeing is fantastic (turns out over the years I've had 3 daycare parents who have gone there!). 

On our first visit we went over our past experiences, and what tests would be done first to check for various problems.  They found no physiological problems with me, and not much wrong with Spencer.  For his sperm check (yes, I got his permission to share before writing this) he had a slightly higher than average count of abnormal sperm, but had about 300 million more than he needed to have, so the doctor didn't feel that that was the problem either.  The only thing they found with me was that historically I ovulate later than "normal" and that the egg was sitting around longer than it should have before being released. 

They started checking my follicle counts and watched for an egg to be ready.  When I had at least one egg that was ready (cycle day 17) I gave myself a shot of Ovidrel in my belly at home, which would induce ovulation.  You'd think giving yourself a shot in the belly (right under my belly button I think it was) would be scary and weird, and it was weird, but it didn't bother me, and it didn't hurt much.  After my Ovidrel shot we were given a babymaking schedule.  Romantic huh?  yeah... not really.  But nothing new after trying for almost 2 years to have another baby. 

On Valentines day 2006 I peed on a stick and saw that blessed little second line!  I was pregnant for the 5th time!  I had a blood pregnancy test/hcg done on Feb. 16 - the results: 62 on cycle day 31.  So we were shooting for a 124 or better 48 hours later.  While we waited to be able to take the second hcg test, I was scheduled for an ultrasound on the 28th. 

I was so nervous... no, scared to death... for this baby.  I couldn't get excited about it because I didn't know if this baby would make it.  It's hard to let yourself get attached at that point after suffering a loss, but it's inevitable... you get attached - actually you are attached, physically and emotionally the second you find out you're pregnant.  At least that was my experience, I can't really speak for everyone.  I do know that many women have a hard time bonding until after the baby is born, some quite a while after the baby is born.

We had all this help, a fantastic doctor, tests and monitoring galore, but I wasn't optimistic.  After all, I had begun to spot AGAIN every day since before I even got my positive pregnancy test.

Then this happened:

February 20, 2006

Today I got the best pregnancy news I've received in a long time!  My hcg levels went from 62 to 234!!!  It not only doubled, it nearly quadrupled!  I've never had hcg's double before in my last 3 pregnancies.  I had become very angry over the weekend at the thought of losing yet another baby.  I was scared to death when I called for my results!  I expected the worst, really did.  Luckily I was shocked at how high my numbers were on Saturday!!  So does this mean that there is more than one baby in there?  How scary and amazing would that be! 

Click here to read Part 6, when the paranoia sets in, more tests, and Symptoms!

Wishful Wednesday

~ After a super busy weekend I am tired!  So I wish I could get a job as a career napper!  That's a real job right?  I'll have to start looking ;o)

~ I wish someone could come over and organize my house for me!  I like organizing things, but have found throughout the years that organizing my own stuff is much less fun.  But then I'm not sure I'd like how they did it and that might make me uncomfortable.  ah well.

~ I wish kids always had their listening ears turned on!

Your turn!  I'd love to hear what you're wishing for/hoping for!