Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Our story of Grief and Joy - Part 1

In April of 2004, our daughter Sweet Pea was a year and a half, we decided it was time to start trying to have a second child.  We felt like we were ready to expand our family, and I was getting that urge to bring another child into the world.  We knew it could take some time to get pregnant, but when in our first month of trying we got a positive pregnancy test, we were so excited!  Spencer was at work, I was home alone with SP, when I took the pregnancy test.  Before the 3 minutes were up I had a positive, I was so excited that I immediately ran into the living room, dropped down to SP, and told her, "you're going to be a big sister!  We're going to have another baby!  You're going to have a baby brother or sister to play with!!"  I started telling her about how there was a baby in mommy's tummy, and imagining her as a big sister! 

Spencer and I were thrilled about the news and told everyone we knew, eager to bring them into our excitement.  Plans were made and preparations started.  My due date was the last week of January, 2005.

In June we planned a trip several hours north of us to the town where my dad lived when he was young, where his family was from, and where a few of them still lived.  It was a family reunion and we were excited to get up there, meet people we hadn't met, see people I hadn't seen in several years, and enjoy some relaxation and fun.

About an hour into our drive North, I started feeling cramping.  I thought I was bloated, that it was gas, so I unbuttoned my jeans to relieve the pressure and relax.  The cramping quickly got worse and I was getting nervous so I asked Spencer to pull over somewhere so I could use a bathroom.  Spencer pulled up to a gas station or something and I ducked into a bathroom quickly.  When I pulled down my pants I was horrified... speechless.... stunned... I couldn't move.  There was blood.... a lot of blood... too much blood.  Then I started crying.  I grabbed a handful of toilet paper and wiped, only to find even more blood.  Panicking, I cleaned up what I could and stuffed toilet paper into my underwear.  It was such a long walk to the truck where my husband and daughter were waiting for me.  I wasn't sure what to do, what to say, who to call... what to do. 

I got into the truck and told Spencer that I was bleeding, a lot.  He looked horrified, and I thought I must be seeing a reflection of my own face.  We immediately called our doctor's office and were told to go to the emergency room since it was a weekend and the clinic was closed.  We were a couple hours away from the hospital now, so it was a long drive filled with fear.  We called my mom to let them know what had happened and that we weren't making it up to the reunion.  I could hear the fear in their voices, this had come completely out of the blue to everyone.

When we walked into the hospital emergency room, there were a lot of people waiting to be seen.  A new wave of panic swept over me when I thought I'd have to wait for all of these people to be in and out before they'd be able to check on our baby, but when I told the person checking people in that I was pregnant, cramping, and bleeding and that our doctor said to get here right away, they immediately got us to a room.

Things got fuzzy from here out, but the doctor had told us that I was dilated and had miscarried, the baby was gone.  That's the last thing I remember, it was too painful to remember. 

What I do remember though was the pain, the pain of contractions that brought no happy ending, the pain of telling our little girl that the baby was gone, the pain of all the dreams we had already dreamed for our child disappearing, the pain of telling people over and over that we lost the baby, the pain of not knowing why.... and the emptiness.  I distinctly remember the emptiness I felt.  It felt exactly like my entire body was hollow, when I wasn't feeling pain I felt nothing.  Just emptiness.  I remember one evening when I was alone, I couldn't take the empty feeling and started eating.  I ate an entire package of cookies, drank a lot of milk, ate as much as I could until I felt sick.  I wanted to feel sick, at least that was something I could feel.  I didn't want to throw up, I just wanted the stomach ache, I wanted to feel something in my body.

My doctor told us that we'd be able to start trying after a month or two if we were ready.  We gave it a full month and started trying again. 

We thought we'd get pregnant right away again.  Our first child had come unplanned, and we had gotten pregnant so quickly the second time that we had no reason to expect difficulty getting pregnant, only fear of losing another baby. 

Things didn't go as planned....

Click HERE to read part 2


Anonymous said...

This was so painful for you both, and the rest of us also felt the loss of a new family member not coming into the world. I just remember being sad I wasn't there to hold you when you needed me. Even though you were married and thankfully had Spencer by your side we were at a loss being so far away and of no help or support.

MrsThull said...

I have a couple angels waiting for me in heaven to. Thanks for sharing, it is such a difficult experience to go through.

Anonymous said...

*Hugs. Many, many hugs*

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