Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Our story of Grief and Joy - Part 5

If you haven't been following along, please start from the beginning.  Click here to start with Part 1.





So I was waiting and waiting for blood test results that would tell me if our fourth baby was making it.  My last hcg test hadn't gone very well, but wasn't terrible either, and since the spotting had stopped I felt like things were looking up.  We had already lost 2 babies, (and yes, we consider them babies right from the get go) and we couldn't possibly lose 3 babies!  We already had a child, so we knew it was possible.  Third time's the charm right?  We prayed to God, we bargained with God, we begged God to let this baby be ok and go to term.  We were doing everything we could think of to keep this little one going!

Eight days after my last hcg test was taken, what we thought was impossible happened.  We suffered our third miscarriage.  Baby number 4 was gone. 

October 18, 2005   tuesday

We lost this baby.  I began miscarrying yesterday, october 17.  My second round of hcg's were october 7 and 9 at 6 weeks 1 day and 6 weeks 3 days.  Those numbers were 2345 - 3024.  They only went up 28%.  Then on October 11 I had an ultrasound which showed me measuring at least 2 weeks too small.  If I take off the week that I didn't ovulate on time, that's still at least a week small.  Those two things convinced us that this wasn't going to end well.  Spencer hung on to hope that this would be a miracle baby, I tried to catch that hope, but I knew in my heart the baby was already gone.  This continues to be a very painful journey for us.  I don't know what the next step in testing and plans the doctor has in store for us, but neither one of us is ready to quit trying. 

I would be 7 weeks 4 days along yesterday.

I felt so defeated.  I felt empty.  I felt like nothing was possible.  I felt like I'd never give birth to another child again.  I felt like a broken woman, unable to keep a child alive in my womb.  The female body is supposed to be able to carry a child until it is ready to be delivered, yet mine had failed three times!  In a row! 

What the hell?  We had prayed and prayed and trusted God that He would keep this baby alive, all for what?  More blood and tissue in a toilet.  A baby that would never grow to wiggle, kick, squish my bladder, or take a breath.  These were the times when I would question my beliefs.  I believed that God has a plan, and that perhaps these babies weren't in that plan.  But then why let me get pregnant in the first place?  Was this payback for something that Spencer or I had done?  Had we not had enough faith?  I thought I had trusted Him to give us this baby, but had I really trusted Him?    I still don't have the answers to all of those questions, but have resigned myself to not knowing until the day I walk through those pearly gates.

Had these babies died so that someone else could be born?  Perhaps.  But it still sucks.  And you can bet I'll have these questions ready when I die and can finally, hopefully, get some answers.

My OB referred us to The Center for Reproductive Medicine for testing and help with our next pregnancy.  When I told a daycare parent about this referral she told me that she had gone there as well, and that the doctor I was seeing is fantastic (turns out over the years I've had 3 daycare parents who have gone there!). 

On our first visit we went over our past experiences, and what tests would be done first to check for various problems.  They found no physiological problems with me, and not much wrong with Spencer.  For his sperm check (yes, I got his permission to share before writing this) he had a slightly higher than average count of abnormal sperm, but had about 300 million more than he needed to have, so the doctor didn't feel that that was the problem either.  The only thing they found with me was that historically I ovulate later than "normal" and that the egg was sitting around longer than it should have before being released. 

They started checking my follicle counts and watched for an egg to be ready.  When I had at least one egg that was ready (cycle day 17) I gave myself a shot of Ovidrel in my belly at home, which would induce ovulation.  You'd think giving yourself a shot in the belly (right under my belly button I think it was) would be scary and weird, and it was weird, but it didn't bother me, and it didn't hurt much.  After my Ovidrel shot we were given a babymaking schedule.  Romantic huh?  yeah... not really.  But nothing new after trying for almost 2 years to have another baby. 

On Valentines day 2006 I peed on a stick and saw that blessed little second line!  I was pregnant for the 5th time!  I had a blood pregnancy test/hcg done on Feb. 16 - the results: 62 on cycle day 31.  So we were shooting for a 124 or better 48 hours later.  While we waited to be able to take the second hcg test, I was scheduled for an ultrasound on the 28th. 

I was so nervous... no, scared to death... for this baby.  I couldn't get excited about it because I didn't know if this baby would make it.  It's hard to let yourself get attached at that point after suffering a loss, but it's inevitable... you get attached - actually you are attached, physically and emotionally the second you find out you're pregnant.  At least that was my experience, I can't really speak for everyone.  I do know that many women have a hard time bonding until after the baby is born, some quite a while after the baby is born.

We had all this help, a fantastic doctor, tests and monitoring galore, but I wasn't optimistic.  After all, I had begun to spot AGAIN every day since before I even got my positive pregnancy test.

Then this happened:

February 20, 2006

Today I got the best pregnancy news I've received in a long time!  My hcg levels went from 62 to 234!!!  It not only doubled, it nearly quadrupled!  I've never had hcg's double before in my last 3 pregnancies.  I had become very angry over the weekend at the thought of losing yet another baby.  I was scared to death when I called for my results!  I expected the worst, really did.  Luckily I was shocked at how high my numbers were on Saturday!!  So does this mean that there is more than one baby in there?  How scary and amazing would that be! 

Click here to read Part 6, when the paranoia sets in, more tests, and Symptoms!


MrsThull said...

This isn't fair I want more now... I can only imagine how difficult it was to wait while it was happening. I have also had two miscarriages and was devastated when they happened. The first baby I had to have a D and C and remember feeling the same things you talked about as a broken women. My mom also had a few miscarriages and I wondered if I would go through the same struggles she did. Looking forward to the next chapter.

Anonymous said...

What a rollercoaster to deal with for so long... To deal with that grief and loss... To question yourself as a woman... Faith and spirituality are hard things to hold on to in times as trying as these. (In times less trying, to be honest.) Odd how the things that can be so helpful, and can offer so much support, are the things we start to question. I guess that's why they call it faith, yeah? For being so powerfully heart-wrenching, these snippets of your life are beautifully written. *Hugs*

Anonymous said...

Though I never had any problems with pregnancy myself we felt the pain for you two as you continued to go through this. Remember I thought of carrying a pregnancy for you. That would have been wierd. Life is not always fair and faith does tell us that all the answers will be there for us to the many life questions behind those pearly gates. Hope so. Look at the little precious ones that were in there waiting. smile smile mom

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