Before you read this post, please click here to start with Part 1.
After seeing the very unexpected heartbeat at our ultrasound, we were cautiously excited. We had praying constantly that God would let our baby be ok. That we would carry this baby to term and give birth to a healthy baby that winter. We are Christians, we know God, we have faith, we prayed a lot about this baby, why should we think anything other than what we were praying would happen??
June 18, 2005
Seven weeks four days pregnant. For the past four days I've been spotting on and off when I wipe. At the same time it started, I had begun taking a baby asprin once per day. [A daycare parent] recommended asking my doctor about it because her fertility doctor told her it sometimes can help sustain a troubled pregnancy. I called my doc and asked about it. Dr. K said to go ahead, so Tuesday night Spencer went to pick some up. The next day I started spotting. I'm hoping that nothing is wrong. Maybe there's a blood clot and the asprin is breaking it up. We pray for a healthy baby! Yesterday we reached the point that we miscarried with baby #2. I'm not sure if I'm having dull cramping or if I'm just very tense from worrying about the spotting.
June 22, 2005
We lost the baby.
I started bleeding heavily at 4:30 PM Monday and went to Urgent Care right away. The doctor said with the amount of blood, it looked like I was miscarrying. I had an ultrasound yesterday and the baby was gone.
It measured at 6 weeks and I should have been 8 weeks. Apparently the baby died right after our last ultrasound. To have seen his or her tiny little heart beating, and to feel hope that this baby was going to make it, only for it to stop beating hurts so much I can't even put it into words.
Our baby's heart was beating, then it stopped.
I have a follow-up with my OB this morning. I'm having really bad cramping this morning, so I'll write more later
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While having my exam, I passed the baby. It wasn't even together anymore, but had fallen apart. I had to remind myself that the baby's soul is with God.
My cervix was wide open so she went into my uterus with a suction catheder and removed what she could of the tissue. There may still be more - my hcg tests will tell if its all gone. The suction caused bad and sudden contractions that hurt like hell! I can see why they put you to sleep for a full D&C - it's painful! It felt a lot like going from feeling fine, to being in the worst contractions of labor instantly.
I explained very short and simply to [Sweet Pea] that the baby that was in Mommy's tummy is gone now, it's not in my tummy anymore - it's in heaven with Jesus.
When this happened Sweet Pea was 2 1/2 years old. She had been so excited to have a sister or brother. After this miscarriage, she developed an imaginary sister. She played with her sister, talked to her sister, and talked about her sister for several months until it disappeared. This was a reminder to us that we weren't the only ones hurt by this loss, she had lost a baby sibling as well.
I promise that this story does eventually end in joy. It was quite a journey. Click here for part 4, where we get set to try again and have a bunch of blood work done...
