Sort of a stream of consciousness post here, as I'm still working through this realization and what it all means.
I may be just a little bit of a control freak. While I don't always know the best way to do things, I tend to think that, in the moment, my way is correct. I don't know what it is that makes some of us feel the need to control most aspects of our lives, but I feel really anxious when I feel out of control of a situation. Luckily for the people around me, I usually remain pretty calm while I try to take control, but I know this part of my personality has been frustrating for Spencer, among others.
I tended to take the lead in group projects in school... which made me dislike group projects because I wanted things done a certain way and would become a little anxious about how someone else would do things. I was passive about it, not sticking my neck out too far, not putting up a fight, but internally I'd be grumbling.
I am the type of person who needs to know what is coming, what is in the near and not so near future. I need to have a plan in order to feel secure. I couldn't just go to college and get a business degree and figure out what I would do later, I went to college for very specific career paths (which resulted in a few track changes and a few credits wasted) because even in high school the thought of not having a plan made me uncomfortable.
Here's the thing though... very little of my life has gone according to my plan. I always knew I wanted to get married and have children young, but my husband and I were blessed with an amazing baby girl long before we planned to get married. I originally thought I'd be a paralegal, and when law class bored the heck out of me I changed my plan to being a sign language interpreter. I really enjoyed that career track, but my plans have a way of changing on me. We had our daughter, I gave daycare a shot at a daycare center because I had always thought it might be a good fit for me, and I suddenly realized that the whole sign language thing was not the right job for me but could be a wonderful background for this new job that I love!
I planned on having our second child a couple years after Sweet Pea was born, but that wouldn't be the case.
I could go on and on about how my plans change and how every time they do I feel really nervous about it until I realize that the new road was exactly where I needed to be. I plan and plan and try to control things around me, but it usually doesn't work out how I want it to.
So I'm beginning to realize that, get this, I'm not in control of my life... or anyone else's for that matter. I can do my best and plan and try and work but I'm still not the one in control. I can trust that God will take care of us and trust His plan for me, but until I truly accept the fact that I have NO control over the big picture of my life, then how much can I really be trusting Him? I feel like I've been saying and believing that I trust Him to handle things, but then I struggle against His will and try to take control. It sounds absolutely ridiculous to say that I've been trying to control things despite His plan.
God has shown me again and again and again how very different our plans are and how much better his plan is than mine, yet it's taken me all this time to really truly come to this understanding. I'm struggling with it, and trying to reflect and be still and understand this.
The idea that I'm not actually in control of my life is both freeing and terrifying. If I can't control things, then anything could happen at any moment, including bad things. But if I were in control of my life, I could lead myself and my family down the wrong road. But I know that God is in control and will lead me where I need to go if I just let Him. That's not to say that I think I can just sit back and float along. I think I need to pray, and listen to what He's putting in my heart, and follow that the best I can.... and truly trust His plan for me.