Our story of Grief and Joy - Part 2

If you haven't read part one yet, read that first, please and thank you.

We thought we'd get pregnant for the third time pretty easily, we hadn't had any difficulty before, so we were a bit surprised when we didn't get pregnant right away.  I wasn't terribly surprised to not be pregnant the first month of trying since we had just had the miscarriage and I figured my body wasn't quite back to normal yet, though we were disappointed.  I was more surprised when the second month went by with no positive pregnancy tests.  A few months later, we still weren't expecting.  I started tracking temperatures, ovulation charts, ovulation predictor sticks, and getting more and more frustrated.  A few more months went by and we were still not pregnant.  They say the stress of trying so hard to get pregnant can make it harder to get pregnant, so for a couple months we tried to relax a bit and leave the sticks, temperatures, and charts alone and just take a pregnancy test when it was time... that didn't work either.  Needless to say I was worried that I was broken.  I prayed a very thankful prayer that we had been "surprised" by our daughter's arrival since maybe there was something wrong with me and she had been our miracle baby.

At a family Easter celebration in 2005, our cousins arrived with their daughter and brand new baby.  He was born the same week that our little angel baby had been due.  This fact didn't escape me but he was family and adorable and very loved, so I held him.  I choked back tears.  I had to hand him off after just a couple minutes (I generally hog babies for as long as I can get away with).  I couldn't help but look at him and see, instead of our new cousin, our baby - in my arms - having his or her first Easter. That was an incredibly painful afternoon, I hadn't been expecting to have those feelings, I hadn't expected it to hit me that hard.

Nearly a year went by before we finally got a positive pregnancy test!  When I was about 6 weeks pregnant I decided to go buy a journal to keep track of my thoughts, fears, and joys of this journey to the birth of our second child.  I will be sharing that journal, well most of it, here with you.  My hope for sharing our story here is that it will help heal others who have gone through the same things we have gone through.  I remember reading/writing on online support websites just trying to reach out to others who knew what I was feeling. The plain black print are my thoughts and experiences that were not recorded in my journal.

June 11, 2005

Only about 6 1/2 weeks pregnant and WOAH what a rollar coaster ride!  I am so happy to be pregnant again after 11 months of trying!  We decided a while back we would only tell immediate family and a few close friends, so we've pretty much stuck to that in case something happens.

On Tuesday May 31, I had an internal ultrasound that showed an empty embrionic sac.  This was not a good sign, as they were expecting to see more there.  They drew blood to check my hCG levels and again on Thursday.  hCG is a pregnancy hormone that is supposed to double every 48 hours in the early weeks of pregnancy.  Friday they called and said my hCG level went from 5100 to 5900 instead of jumping to 10,000.  The doctor had told us that if the levels didn't go up enough then it ment we were losing the baby, or that there may have never been an embryo there in the first place.  After receiving the news of our measly little 5900 we cried and grieved for another loss. 

After a horrible weekend that we had planned on celebrating our anniversary, I had an ultrasound on Monday June 6th  to confirm a miscarriage.  The mood in the sonogram room was somber, we knew we weren't there to listen to a heartbeat, watch a tiny embryo wiggle wround, or rejoice in the blessing of new life.  We were there to confirm that the baby, or lack thereof, was indeed gone.  Then something happened that blew us out of the water.

After a lot of measuring and studying and silence, the technician said, "I have a heartbeat here."

My breath caught in my throat and I just focused on the ultrasound screen.  Spencer jumped out of his seat to get to the screen.  All I could choke out was, "What??"  I couldn't believe it.  There on the screen in front of us was a yoke sac that hadn't been there last week, and an embryo with a heartbeat!  A heartbeat!!  The heartbeat was 127.  The tech told us that normal at this point is 120-160. 

So we are still expecting a little winter baby, though we're not sure of the due date.  I ovulated on May 4th, which puts the due date at January 25th, but the last ultrasound had the baby measuring 1 1/2 weeks smaller.  So I'm a little confused about that and the hCG levels but we are praying for a healthy baby in January!

Click here to read part 3.